Dear Baby-
I saw the title of this post on a piece of miscarriage jewelry and it couldn't express how I feel any better.
It's been a week since that appointment where my doctor told me that your heart wasn't beating.
I had a suspicion that something was wrong. Sure, I had a very little bit of spotting and I did have a lot of cramping, but every website, doctor, and book says that in early pregnancy all of this is common and as long as the bleeding resolved itself (which it quickly did), there was most likely nothing wrong. But I still had this nagging feeling in my heart that I would never hold you. I kept trying to brush it aside and just tell everyone that I'm a realist who refuses to get her hopes up only to get them broken, and I was hoping that was the case. I hit thirteen weeks and was starting to feel better and I thought it was because I was out of first trimester.
But that wasn't the reason. You weren't there anymore. I will never hold you.
But please baby, please never think that your Mommy doesn't love you or think about you constantly. I was pregnant for 13 weeks (even if your heart stopped at 8 1/2 weeks). You will always be in my heart. I loved you the moment I took the test and it said "pregnant." I've looked at a million pictures of nurseries dreaming about where I'd lay you to sleep at night. Your Daddy and I went through a dozen names picking ones we thought would be perfect for you. I kept my hand on my belly all of the time just because I knew you were in there and I wanted to hold you close.
I know that most miscarriages happen because there was something wrong with the baby and my body knew it, but I don't think that's the case with you. Maybe I'm wrong. But I saw your heartbeat at 8 weeks beating at 158 bpm. I saw your little body and everything pointed to a healthy pregnancy. That same week I got bit/stung by something on my foot and the doctor at urgent care couldn't tell what it was. But I was in a lot of pain that went from my toes all the way up my leg and around my stomach. The doctor said whatever it was, it was infected and she gave me an antibiotic. I know the medicine was safe and I'm fine with that. But that I believe that infection did something because your heart stopped beating a day after we saw you and you were fine. I simply cannot believe that one day everything looks perfect and the very next you're gone. And if it was the infection or the bite/sting, I am so so sorry baby. It makes me cry just typing this because I blame myself.
I love you sweet baby. I haven't fully miscarried you yet and if I don't in the next week then we'll have to take the next step to completely end this pregnancy.
I am doing better emotionally today then I was yesterday and the day before and I know with time that my heart will heal. But the thought and memory of this pregnancy will never go away and I don't want it to. It doesn't matter to me if I never get to hold you or kiss you, you are still one of my babies. We got you a Christmas ornament. It's a Willow Tree angel holding a baby and I just thought it was appropriate to hang as a little memorial for you each year.
I love you my sweet little angel baby. I love you so much.
If I could send kisses to heaven, you'd be smothered in them right this very moment.
I love you--
Your Mommy
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