The White Plastic Container

I know I said my last post was my last.

But then I officially lost my baby and I need to document it. The more I talk about it, the better I feel, so I think if I can write it down and get it on paper (or internet paper) then maybe I can heal.

I keep debating if I should talk to someone or join a miscarriage forum just to find someone I can relate to and find out how they healed, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I don't know why though. It's just hard.

So for now, here's my story. I will warn you, I spare no details here so it may be gross.

A week and a half after we found out that I was going to lose the baby my cramping really started. I had to leave church early that night because I was bleeding but nothing to heavy yet.

On Monday night I was up most of the night with cramps and passing blood clots. The clots were pretty big but it still wasn't a bad blood loss and the next morning I thought (and hoped) it was over.

I thought I was doing better so I wanted to get out for a few hours on Wednesday. We walked around Target for a little bit, but then I was tired and hurting so we left and met Amanda for lunch. I figured sitting would help for a little while.

Mom and I headed back to her house to feed the dog and then I was going to go home. About 5 minutes from Mom's house I started having intense cramps. I started bleeding and I knew it was going to be too much for the pad so I quickly found our Target bag and sat on it. When Mom pulled into her driveway I got out of her car and blood started to pouring out. I couldn't even move or walk. The driveway looked awful and I was mortified. When I went to clean up, I passed a grey mass. Again, I hoped that this was it.

I went to lay on her couch to rest but every ten to fifteen minutes I would have contractions in my back and I would go to the bathroom and pass another clot. The clots were getting bigger and my cramps were hurting more. I was soaking through pads too quickly so I called the doctor. They told me to head to the ER since my doctor was out of office that day. Within the hour of being at the house I soaked through three pads and even a baby diaper (I had run out of pads and we figured this would be thick enough to hold).

The drive there was HORRIBLE. I was cramping and bleeding so much that I could barely hold up my head. There was a paramedic outside of the hospital who got me a stretcher and into the ER. I was admitted right away.

After doing an ultrasound to see what was left the doctor came in and they used a suctioning tool to remove more clots and then of course the sac. Apparently, the sac was sitting right on my cervix which was causing the heavy bleeding.

They put the sac in a white plastic container.

I wanted to see it because for some reason I needed to. It was like my final good-bye.

That white plastic container sat on the counter in my room the entire time.

When I finally moved rooms to the recovery rooms they brought that white plastic container in there too. I don't know why it had to move with me. I don't know why they had to keep reminding me of what was in there, what I just went through. But there it was.

I can't seem to get past the ER visit. I know it's been two weeks and it's normal for me to be sad, but when I sit too long and think about it, all I remember is that stupid white plastic container. The container that held my baby. The baby I couldn't carry past 13 weeks. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel.

That first night I had a sobbing breakdown. Then I went a few days without crying and I kept track of how long I went without crying. So far the longest has been 4 days. I had to restart the count this week and it's only been 3 days.

I just need to find a way to function where there isn't a constant reminder that I miscarried. I need to stop spotting,  I need my hormones to adjust, I don't know, I just need something.

More than anything, I hate that I'm not pregnant with that baby anymore.

I hate that I left my baby at the hospital in that white plastic container.