Dear Baby-
I saw the title of this post on a piece of miscarriage jewelry and it couldn't express how I feel any better.
It's been a week since that appointment where my doctor told me that your heart wasn't beating.
I had a suspicion that something was wrong. Sure, I had a very little bit of spotting and I did have a lot of cramping, but every website, doctor, and book says that in early pregnancy all of this is common and as long as the bleeding resolved itself (which it quickly did), there was most likely nothing wrong. But I still had this nagging feeling in my heart that I would never hold you. I kept trying to brush it aside and just tell everyone that I'm a realist who refuses to get her hopes up only to get them broken, and I was hoping that was the case. I hit thirteen weeks and was starting to feel better and I thought it was because I was out of first trimester.
But that wasn't the reason. You weren't there anymore. I will never hold you.
But please baby, please never think that your Mommy doesn't love you or think about you constantly. I was pregnant for 13 weeks. You will always be in my heart. I loved you the moment I took the test and it said "pregnant." I've looked at a million pictures of nurseries dreaming about where I'd lay you to sleep at night. Your Daddy and I went through a dozen names picking ones we thought would be perfect for you. I kept my hand on my belly all of the time just because I knew you were in there and I wanted to hold you close.
I love you sweet baby. I haven't fully miscarried you yet and if I don't in the next week then we'll have to take the next step to completely end this pregnancy.
I am doing better emotionally today then I was yesterday and the day before and I know with time that my heart will heal. But the thought and memory of this pregnancy will never go away and I don't want it to. It doesn't matter to me if I never get to hold you or kiss you, you are still one of my babies. We got you a Christmas ornament. It's a Willow Tree angel holding a baby and I just thought it was appropriate to hang as a little memorial for you each year.
I love you my sweet little angel baby. I love you so much.
If I could send kisses to heaven, you'd be smothered in them right this very moment.
I love you--
Your Mommy
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Week 13 Updates
Weekly Picture
Okay, ignore the fact that my thigh looks MASSIVE. It's really not. I blame the wind and the dress. But look at my little bitty bump compared to last time!
Weekly Questions
How far along? Thirteen weeks.
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a peach. A PEACH. That's pretty big. I can understand why I have to use the restroom all of the time.
Total weight gain: Today I’m at 127. Going back up slowly. Just like last pregnancy, my doctor doesn't count weight gain until I've passed my pre-pregnancy weight, so I'm still 2 pounds away from being back there. Until then, I'm not considering it a gain either :)
Maternity Clothes: Some of both. Although I do look better in maternity clothes since my boobs are growing again and my other clothes don't really have the space for those and my belly now!
Sleep:It's getting better. I'm having my want-to-crash-and-sleep feeling hit about 4 or 5 each night. But that's better than the noon crash I was having.
Food cravings: Nothing. Food is getting better everyday, but no consistent cravings. And I still don't like the idea of boiled pasta. It just smells weird.
What I miss: I'm happy about my pregnancy this week!
Other symptoms: I'm boring this week. Still some cramping. And constipation is back (haha, I'm sure you all wanted to know that, but hey, it's my journal, I have to share it!).
What's New: This week I stayed with mom and dad while Tyler was out of town and I ate dinner every single night. And by dinner, I mean I ate what was actually served and didn't hide in my room with a bowl of cheerios like a hobbit. That's HUGE for me! This week I get to see my doctor again and check on the little bitty :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
Week 12 Updates
Weekly Picture
Oh boy, first, I know I know it's been 2 years since I've been pregnant, but my word, I look WAY younger with Cohen's pregnancy. Must've been the whole no toddler running around thing.
Second, I don't know why my shirt is pulled down so low over my rear, makes my behind look huge. I assure you, it's not as large as the picture shows....yet.
Weekly QuestionsHow far along? TWELVE weeks. Woohoo...welcome 2nd trimester :) Please be better to me than first!
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a plum. HUGE. I know, I plum isn't large compared to the soon coming watermelon, BUT it's much, much bigger than the poppy-seed phase. This baby is growing...
Total weight gain: I'm down to 126.4 so I'm down 3 pounds so far. I think it was a couple weeks into my 2nd trimester with Co when I started putting weight on. I have to check but I don't think I even started to pass my pre-pregnancy weight until almost the end of second trimester. I'm interested to see if this one follows the same pattern.
Maternity Clothes: I wear both. I did organize my closet this week and moved over any shirts/skirts/dresses that won't work while I'm pregnant. But if it's long enough, I can make it work. I just need to go get some longer layering tanks to help cover my maternity panels.
Sleep: Cohen is back to sleeping through the night and so am I. My energy level does pretty well during the day again until the evenings. I just cannot stay awake after 4. I took a 2 hour nap today from 4-6 and my eyes are burning and I'm ready to go back to bed.
Food cravings: Nothing really. Thankfully, I'm not having the same food aversions that I did with Co! I don't have too much of an appetite lately, but I'm not as gaggy either.
What I miss: Nothing right now :) I'm finally feeling a little better.
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment is next week and I'm excited about that. Also, Tyler is heading out of town for a few days for work so I'm going to crash at my parent's house for a few days. That'll be fun!
Milestones: I'm feeling better! I still get cramps from time to time and I had a little spotting Saturday, but the on call doctor said if it resolved itself to not be concerned, and it only happened once so I'm crossing my fingers and saying prayers that everything is okay. Ooohhhh, and the sciatica (is that how you spell it?) pain is back! It's not all of the time, only if I do a lot of walking or standing for long periods of time.
Oh boy, first, I know I know it's been 2 years since I've been pregnant, but my word, I look WAY younger with Cohen's pregnancy. Must've been the whole no toddler running around thing.
Second, I don't know why my shirt is pulled down so low over my rear, makes my behind look huge. I assure you, it's not as large as the picture shows....yet.
Weekly QuestionsHow far along? TWELVE weeks. Woohoo...welcome 2nd trimester :) Please be better to me than first!
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a plum. HUGE. I know, I plum isn't large compared to the soon coming watermelon, BUT it's much, much bigger than the poppy-seed phase. This baby is growing...
Total weight gain: I'm down to 126.4 so I'm down 3 pounds so far. I think it was a couple weeks into my 2nd trimester with Co when I started putting weight on. I have to check but I don't think I even started to pass my pre-pregnancy weight until almost the end of second trimester. I'm interested to see if this one follows the same pattern.
Maternity Clothes: I wear both. I did organize my closet this week and moved over any shirts/skirts/dresses that won't work while I'm pregnant. But if it's long enough, I can make it work. I just need to go get some longer layering tanks to help cover my maternity panels.
Sleep: Cohen is back to sleeping through the night and so am I. My energy level does pretty well during the day again until the evenings. I just cannot stay awake after 4. I took a 2 hour nap today from 4-6 and my eyes are burning and I'm ready to go back to bed.
Food cravings: Nothing really. Thankfully, I'm not having the same food aversions that I did with Co! I don't have too much of an appetite lately, but I'm not as gaggy either.
What I miss: Nothing right now :) I'm finally feeling a little better.
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment is next week and I'm excited about that. Also, Tyler is heading out of town for a few days for work so I'm going to crash at my parent's house for a few days. That'll be fun!
Milestones: I'm feeling better! I still get cramps from time to time and I had a little spotting Saturday, but the on call doctor said if it resolved itself to not be concerned, and it only happened once so I'm crossing my fingers and saying prayers that everything is okay. Ooohhhh, and the sciatica (is that how you spell it?) pain is back! It's not all of the time, only if I do a lot of walking or standing for long periods of time.
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