I know I said my last post was my last.
But then I officially lost my baby and I need to document it. The more I talk about it, the better I feel, so I think if I can write it down and get it on paper (or internet paper) then maybe I can heal.
I keep debating if I should talk to someone or join a miscarriage forum just to find someone I can relate to and find out how they healed, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. I don't know why though. It's just hard.
So for now, here's my story. I will warn you, I spare no details here so it may be gross.
A week and a half after we found out that I was going to lose the baby my cramping really started. I had to leave church early that night because I was bleeding but nothing to heavy yet.
On Monday night I was up most of the night with cramps and passing blood clots. The clots were pretty big but it still wasn't a bad blood loss and the next morning I thought (and hoped) it was over.
I thought I was doing better so I wanted to get out for a few hours on Wednesday. We walked around Target for a little bit, but then I was tired and hurting so we left and met Amanda for lunch. I figured sitting would help for a little while.
Mom and I headed back to her house to feed the dog and then I was going to go home. About 5 minutes from Mom's house I started having intense cramps. I started bleeding and I knew it was going to be too much for the pad so I quickly found our Target bag and sat on it. When Mom pulled into her driveway I got out of her car and blood started to pouring out. I couldn't even move or walk. The driveway looked awful and I was mortified. When I went to clean up, I passed a grey mass. Again, I hoped that this was it.
I went to lay on her couch to rest but every ten to fifteen minutes I would have contractions in my back and I would go to the bathroom and pass another clot. The clots were getting bigger and my cramps were hurting more. I was soaking through pads too quickly so I called the doctor. They told me to head to the ER since my doctor was out of office that day. Within the hour of being at the house I soaked through three pads and even a baby diaper (I had run out of pads and we figured this would be thick enough to hold).
The drive there was HORRIBLE. I was cramping and bleeding so much that I could barely hold up my head. There was a paramedic outside of the hospital who got me a stretcher and into the ER. I was admitted right away.
After doing an ultrasound to see what was left the doctor came in and they used a suctioning tool to remove more clots and then of course the sac. Apparently, the sac was sitting right on my cervix which was causing the heavy bleeding.
They put the sac in a white plastic container.
I wanted to see it because for some reason I needed to. It was like my final good-bye.
That white plastic container sat on the counter in my room the entire time.
When I finally moved rooms to the recovery rooms they brought that white plastic container in there too. I don't know why it had to move with me. I don't know why they had to keep reminding me of what was in there, what I just went through. But there it was.
I can't seem to get past the ER visit. I know it's been two weeks and it's normal for me to be sad, but when I sit too long and think about it, all I remember is that stupid white plastic container. The container that held my baby. The baby I couldn't carry past 13 weeks. I don't know what to do, what to think, what to feel.
That first night I had a sobbing breakdown. Then I went a few days without crying and I kept track of how long I went without crying. So far the longest has been 4 days. I had to restart the count this week and it's only been 3 days.
I just need to find a way to function where there isn't a constant reminder that I miscarried. I need to stop spotting, I need my hormones to adjust, I don't know, I just need something.
More than anything, I hate that I'm not pregnant with that baby anymore.
I hate that I left my baby at the hospital in that white plastic container.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Someone I Love Was Never Born
Dear Baby-
I saw the title of this post on a piece of miscarriage jewelry and it couldn't express how I feel any better.
It's been a week since that appointment where my doctor told me that your heart wasn't beating.
I had a suspicion that something was wrong. Sure, I had a very little bit of spotting and I did have a lot of cramping, but every website, doctor, and book says that in early pregnancy all of this is common and as long as the bleeding resolved itself (which it quickly did), there was most likely nothing wrong. But I still had this nagging feeling in my heart that I would never hold you. I kept trying to brush it aside and just tell everyone that I'm a realist who refuses to get her hopes up only to get them broken, and I was hoping that was the case. I hit thirteen weeks and was starting to feel better and I thought it was because I was out of first trimester.
But that wasn't the reason. You weren't there anymore. I will never hold you.
But please baby, please never think that your Mommy doesn't love you or think about you constantly. I was pregnant for 13 weeks. You will always be in my heart. I loved you the moment I took the test and it said "pregnant." I've looked at a million pictures of nurseries dreaming about where I'd lay you to sleep at night. Your Daddy and I went through a dozen names picking ones we thought would be perfect for you. I kept my hand on my belly all of the time just because I knew you were in there and I wanted to hold you close.
I love you sweet baby. I haven't fully miscarried you yet and if I don't in the next week then we'll have to take the next step to completely end this pregnancy.
I am doing better emotionally today then I was yesterday and the day before and I know with time that my heart will heal. But the thought and memory of this pregnancy will never go away and I don't want it to. It doesn't matter to me if I never get to hold you or kiss you, you are still one of my babies. We got you a Christmas ornament. It's a Willow Tree angel holding a baby and I just thought it was appropriate to hang as a little memorial for you each year.
I love you my sweet little angel baby. I love you so much.
If I could send kisses to heaven, you'd be smothered in them right this very moment.
I love you--
Your Mommy
I saw the title of this post on a piece of miscarriage jewelry and it couldn't express how I feel any better.
It's been a week since that appointment where my doctor told me that your heart wasn't beating.
I had a suspicion that something was wrong. Sure, I had a very little bit of spotting and I did have a lot of cramping, but every website, doctor, and book says that in early pregnancy all of this is common and as long as the bleeding resolved itself (which it quickly did), there was most likely nothing wrong. But I still had this nagging feeling in my heart that I would never hold you. I kept trying to brush it aside and just tell everyone that I'm a realist who refuses to get her hopes up only to get them broken, and I was hoping that was the case. I hit thirteen weeks and was starting to feel better and I thought it was because I was out of first trimester.
But that wasn't the reason. You weren't there anymore. I will never hold you.
But please baby, please never think that your Mommy doesn't love you or think about you constantly. I was pregnant for 13 weeks. You will always be in my heart. I loved you the moment I took the test and it said "pregnant." I've looked at a million pictures of nurseries dreaming about where I'd lay you to sleep at night. Your Daddy and I went through a dozen names picking ones we thought would be perfect for you. I kept my hand on my belly all of the time just because I knew you were in there and I wanted to hold you close.
I love you sweet baby. I haven't fully miscarried you yet and if I don't in the next week then we'll have to take the next step to completely end this pregnancy.
I am doing better emotionally today then I was yesterday and the day before and I know with time that my heart will heal. But the thought and memory of this pregnancy will never go away and I don't want it to. It doesn't matter to me if I never get to hold you or kiss you, you are still one of my babies. We got you a Christmas ornament. It's a Willow Tree angel holding a baby and I just thought it was appropriate to hang as a little memorial for you each year.
I love you my sweet little angel baby. I love you so much.
If I could send kisses to heaven, you'd be smothered in them right this very moment.
I love you--
Your Mommy
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Week 13 Updates
Weekly Picture
Okay, ignore the fact that my thigh looks MASSIVE. It's really not. I blame the wind and the dress. But look at my little bitty bump compared to last time!
Weekly Questions
How far along? Thirteen weeks.
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a peach. A PEACH. That's pretty big. I can understand why I have to use the restroom all of the time.
Total weight gain: Today I’m at 127. Going back up slowly. Just like last pregnancy, my doctor doesn't count weight gain until I've passed my pre-pregnancy weight, so I'm still 2 pounds away from being back there. Until then, I'm not considering it a gain either :)
Maternity Clothes: Some of both. Although I do look better in maternity clothes since my boobs are growing again and my other clothes don't really have the space for those and my belly now!
Sleep:It's getting better. I'm having my want-to-crash-and-sleep feeling hit about 4 or 5 each night. But that's better than the noon crash I was having.
Food cravings: Nothing. Food is getting better everyday, but no consistent cravings. And I still don't like the idea of boiled pasta. It just smells weird.
What I miss: I'm happy about my pregnancy this week!
Other symptoms: I'm boring this week. Still some cramping. And constipation is back (haha, I'm sure you all wanted to know that, but hey, it's my journal, I have to share it!).
What's New: This week I stayed with mom and dad while Tyler was out of town and I ate dinner every single night. And by dinner, I mean I ate what was actually served and didn't hide in my room with a bowl of cheerios like a hobbit. That's HUGE for me! This week I get to see my doctor again and check on the little bitty :)
Monday, October 1, 2012
Week 12 Updates
Weekly Picture
Oh boy, first, I know I know it's been 2 years since I've been pregnant, but my word, I look WAY younger with Cohen's pregnancy. Must've been the whole no toddler running around thing.
Second, I don't know why my shirt is pulled down so low over my rear, makes my behind look huge. I assure you, it's not as large as the picture shows....yet.
Weekly QuestionsHow far along? TWELVE weeks. Woohoo...welcome 2nd trimester :) Please be better to me than first!
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a plum. HUGE. I know, I plum isn't large compared to the soon coming watermelon, BUT it's much, much bigger than the poppy-seed phase. This baby is growing...
Total weight gain: I'm down to 126.4 so I'm down 3 pounds so far. I think it was a couple weeks into my 2nd trimester with Co when I started putting weight on. I have to check but I don't think I even started to pass my pre-pregnancy weight until almost the end of second trimester. I'm interested to see if this one follows the same pattern.
Maternity Clothes: I wear both. I did organize my closet this week and moved over any shirts/skirts/dresses that won't work while I'm pregnant. But if it's long enough, I can make it work. I just need to go get some longer layering tanks to help cover my maternity panels.
Sleep: Cohen is back to sleeping through the night and so am I. My energy level does pretty well during the day again until the evenings. I just cannot stay awake after 4. I took a 2 hour nap today from 4-6 and my eyes are burning and I'm ready to go back to bed.
Food cravings: Nothing really. Thankfully, I'm not having the same food aversions that I did with Co! I don't have too much of an appetite lately, but I'm not as gaggy either.
What I miss: Nothing right now :) I'm finally feeling a little better.
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment is next week and I'm excited about that. Also, Tyler is heading out of town for a few days for work so I'm going to crash at my parent's house for a few days. That'll be fun!
Milestones: I'm feeling better! I still get cramps from time to time and I had a little spotting Saturday, but the on call doctor said if it resolved itself to not be concerned, and it only happened once so I'm crossing my fingers and saying prayers that everything is okay. Ooohhhh, and the sciatica (is that how you spell it?) pain is back! It's not all of the time, only if I do a lot of walking or standing for long periods of time.
Oh boy, first, I know I know it's been 2 years since I've been pregnant, but my word, I look WAY younger with Cohen's pregnancy. Must've been the whole no toddler running around thing.
Second, I don't know why my shirt is pulled down so low over my rear, makes my behind look huge. I assure you, it's not as large as the picture shows....yet.
Weekly QuestionsHow far along? TWELVE weeks. Woohoo...welcome 2nd trimester :) Please be better to me than first!
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a plum. HUGE. I know, I plum isn't large compared to the soon coming watermelon, BUT it's much, much bigger than the poppy-seed phase. This baby is growing...
Total weight gain: I'm down to 126.4 so I'm down 3 pounds so far. I think it was a couple weeks into my 2nd trimester with Co when I started putting weight on. I have to check but I don't think I even started to pass my pre-pregnancy weight until almost the end of second trimester. I'm interested to see if this one follows the same pattern.
Maternity Clothes: I wear both. I did organize my closet this week and moved over any shirts/skirts/dresses that won't work while I'm pregnant. But if it's long enough, I can make it work. I just need to go get some longer layering tanks to help cover my maternity panels.
Sleep: Cohen is back to sleeping through the night and so am I. My energy level does pretty well during the day again until the evenings. I just cannot stay awake after 4. I took a 2 hour nap today from 4-6 and my eyes are burning and I'm ready to go back to bed.
Food cravings: Nothing really. Thankfully, I'm not having the same food aversions that I did with Co! I don't have too much of an appetite lately, but I'm not as gaggy either.
What I miss: Nothing right now :) I'm finally feeling a little better.
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment is next week and I'm excited about that. Also, Tyler is heading out of town for a few days for work so I'm going to crash at my parent's house for a few days. That'll be fun!
Milestones: I'm feeling better! I still get cramps from time to time and I had a little spotting Saturday, but the on call doctor said if it resolved itself to not be concerned, and it only happened once so I'm crossing my fingers and saying prayers that everything is okay. Ooohhhh, and the sciatica (is that how you spell it?) pain is back! It's not all of the time, only if I do a lot of walking or standing for long periods of time.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Week 11 Updates
Weekly Picture
I know, this one is hard to compare again because last pregnancy's picture was awful, but I promise you, my bump is bigger this time around. It's weird showing this much earlier than last time!
Weekly Questions
How far along? 11 weeks. ELEVEN WEEKS. I'm telling you, this one is flying by...
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a lime. That's great huh? Baby is getting so big....
Total weight gain: I'm back down to 127.2 lbs, so that's a loss of 2ish pounds now. I went down a lot in first trimester with Cohen so I don't expect too much weight gain just yet.
Maternity Clothes: Again, not totally necessary yet, but they sure are comfy. I'm doing the rubberband trick with some of my button skirts because the maternity ones were irritating my belly. But most of my dressy skirts are not zipping anymore so that's fun.
Sleep: Today was the first day I didn't have my mid-day crash. I'm hoping that it wasn't a fluke and maybe, just maybe I'm getting back on track with energy. Of course at about 6:30 I fell asleep for a few minutes, but hey, that's not as bad as the two hour naps I was needing.
Food cravings: I don't have any real cravings. I do love sweets a lot...And I cannot stand the smell of pasta. Basically, I'm eating a lot of cereal for dinner because it's the easiest thing to eat right now. And when I like a food, I REALLY like it, there's not an in between. I just finished a pack of havarti dill cheese that I just bought earlier today. Because I loved it :)
Other Symptoms: My legs are starting to hurt at night which is weird, not sure if it's related to that or not. And I'm pretty hormonal, I cry pretty easily (can't even watch My Fair Wedding without boohooing) and I can also get frustrated really, really fast.
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment is October 11, cannot wait! I'm almost out of first tri!
Milestones: Nothing big right now :)
I know, this one is hard to compare again because last pregnancy's picture was awful, but I promise you, my bump is bigger this time around. It's weird showing this much earlier than last time!
Weekly Questions
How far along? 11 weeks. ELEVEN WEEKS. I'm telling you, this one is flying by...
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a lime. That's great huh? Baby is getting so big....
Total weight gain: I'm back down to 127.2 lbs, so that's a loss of 2ish pounds now. I went down a lot in first trimester with Cohen so I don't expect too much weight gain just yet.
Maternity Clothes: Again, not totally necessary yet, but they sure are comfy. I'm doing the rubberband trick with some of my button skirts because the maternity ones were irritating my belly. But most of my dressy skirts are not zipping anymore so that's fun.
Sleep: Today was the first day I didn't have my mid-day crash. I'm hoping that it wasn't a fluke and maybe, just maybe I'm getting back on track with energy. Of course at about 6:30 I fell asleep for a few minutes, but hey, that's not as bad as the two hour naps I was needing.
Food cravings: I don't have any real cravings. I do love sweets a lot...And I cannot stand the smell of pasta. Basically, I'm eating a lot of cereal for dinner because it's the easiest thing to eat right now. And when I like a food, I REALLY like it, there's not an in between. I just finished a pack of havarti dill cheese that I just bought earlier today. Because I loved it :)
Other Symptoms: My legs are starting to hurt at night which is weird, not sure if it's related to that or not. And I'm pretty hormonal, I cry pretty easily (can't even watch My Fair Wedding without boohooing) and I can also get frustrated really, really fast.
What I am looking forward to: My next appointment is October 11, cannot wait! I'm almost out of first tri!
Milestones: Nothing big right now :)
Monday, September 17, 2012
Week 10 Updates
Weekly Picture
Woohoo! We're in the double digits now :) I'm praying that in 2 1/2 weeks when I'm out of first trimester, I'll also be done with the crazy symptoms...We'll see I suppose.
Ignore my thirteen chins in this picture. I'm just turned weird, haha...but I'm showing waaaayyy faster than before for sure. I don't have a picture from last time to show but I definitely didn't have a bloat/bump this fast!
I had my usual Sunday picture yesterday but I hated the pictures. My dress was super cute but the picture made it look awkward...
Weekly QuestionsHow far along? 10 weeks on Tuesday...
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a kumquat. Which I have no idea what that is, but I'm imagining it's still pretty small since we were only a grape last week :)
Total weight gain: I'm 129.0 lbs this week, so I'm down 1/2 lb. And as my doctor reminded me this week, I'm not actually supposed to gain in the first trimester so if I do, I'm sure I'll get lectured.
Maternity Clothes: The outfit in the picture is all maternity but I wear both right now. I love, love, love this shirt. It's really comfortable, doesn't look maternity and it's really cute when I belt it.
Sleep: I've more energy boosts this week, but I'm still pretty tired.
Food cravings: No real cravings, but I'm very specific about what I want. Saturday, I really wanted a fried burrito so Mom stopped by with refried beans and I ate two (which was great since I've only had cereal for dinner the past week). Today I really wanted fried zucchini chips...I didn't get those though. Ha, I don't give in to every craving since this baby wants me filled with junk apparently. And ice cream! I know that's so stereotypical of a pregnant lady, but really, it just always tastes soooo good.
Other Symptoms: I have this weird skin irritation on my belly. There's no rash or marks, it's just irritated when clothes touch it, or when I move...I'm going to start using some stretch mark lotion just in case. Also, I'm still gaggy. I'm not always nauseous but my gag reflex just dances around so much. Lovely, huh?
What I miss: Energy.
What I am looking forward to: October 11 is my next appointment!!
Milestones: We saw our little baby! Sooo cute!! Plus, Dr. Schwope was beyond excited that we were back. I was debating keeping the same doctor since she's pretty far away this time, but once I met with her I knew we had to keep her. She's so laid back and easy to work with. It's going to be a fun 7 months!
Check out baby #2:
Woohoo! We're in the double digits now :) I'm praying that in 2 1/2 weeks when I'm out of first trimester, I'll also be done with the crazy symptoms...We'll see I suppose.
Ignore my thirteen chins in this picture. I'm just turned weird, haha...but I'm showing waaaayyy faster than before for sure. I don't have a picture from last time to show but I definitely didn't have a bloat/bump this fast!
I had my usual Sunday picture yesterday but I hated the pictures. My dress was super cute but the picture made it look awkward...
Weekly QuestionsHow far along? 10 weeks on Tuesday...
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a kumquat. Which I have no idea what that is, but I'm imagining it's still pretty small since we were only a grape last week :)
Total weight gain: I'm 129.0 lbs this week, so I'm down 1/2 lb. And as my doctor reminded me this week, I'm not actually supposed to gain in the first trimester so if I do, I'm sure I'll get lectured.
Maternity Clothes: The outfit in the picture is all maternity but I wear both right now. I love, love, love this shirt. It's really comfortable, doesn't look maternity and it's really cute when I belt it.
Sleep: I've more energy boosts this week, but I'm still pretty tired.
Food cravings: No real cravings, but I'm very specific about what I want. Saturday, I really wanted a fried burrito so Mom stopped by with refried beans and I ate two (which was great since I've only had cereal for dinner the past week). Today I really wanted fried zucchini chips...I didn't get those though. Ha, I don't give in to every craving since this baby wants me filled with junk apparently. And ice cream! I know that's so stereotypical of a pregnant lady, but really, it just always tastes soooo good.
Other Symptoms: I have this weird skin irritation on my belly. There's no rash or marks, it's just irritated when clothes touch it, or when I move...I'm going to start using some stretch mark lotion just in case. Also, I'm still gaggy. I'm not always nauseous but my gag reflex just dances around so much. Lovely, huh?
What I miss: Energy.
What I am looking forward to: October 11 is my next appointment!!
Milestones: We saw our little baby! Sooo cute!! Plus, Dr. Schwope was beyond excited that we were back. I was debating keeping the same doctor since she's pretty far away this time, but once I met with her I knew we had to keep her. She's so laid back and easy to work with. It's going to be a fun 7 months!
Check out baby #2:
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Week 9 Updates
Weekly Picture
So I didn't take one at 9 weeks with Cohen so I can't compare, but I do know my bloat/bump is more noticable this time around.
Weekly Questions
How far along? 9 weeks on Tuesday...
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a grape...grapes sound so good right now!
Total weight gain: Man, this weight keeps going up and down and up and down. I'm back up again...I'm back to my starting weight this week (129.6) so no weight gain so far.
Maternity Clothes: I wear both right now. It's not super necessary for the maternity clothes, but they feel better. Or if it's not maternity I prefer no zippers or buttons.
Sleep: I've more energy boosts this week, but I'm still pretty tired. This weekend I went to the zoo, the Quarry, and the Riverwalk so I'm worn out beyond belief.
Food cravings: No serious cravings. I did walk into Costco and smell pumpkin and walked about with a pumpkin pie big enough to feed 20 people. But oh man, it was so good (noooo, I didn't eat it all, just a big piece).
Other Symptoms: I don't like to get too full. If I do it makes me so sick feeling. Like eating half a bag of cotton candy after a couple of hours of the zoo was a bad, bad choice. And then my sense of smell is crazy. I smell way too much....bad breath, poopy diapers, it all kills me. Oh, and Tyler's work clothes, can't stand the smell. He has to change as soon as he gets home. Hah, pregnancy is kicking my backside this time around :)
What I miss: Energy.
What I am looking forward to: Tuesday I get to see my baby for the first time!! It's a mixed feeling of excitement and worry, so I can't wait to get it over with...
Milestones: Nothing too new this week!
So I didn't take one at 9 weeks with Cohen so I can't compare, but I do know my bloat/bump is more noticable this time around.
Weekly Questions
How far along? 9 weeks on Tuesday...
How Big Is The Baby? The size of a grape...grapes sound so good right now!
Total weight gain: Man, this weight keeps going up and down and up and down. I'm back up again...I'm back to my starting weight this week (129.6) so no weight gain so far.
Maternity Clothes: I wear both right now. It's not super necessary for the maternity clothes, but they feel better. Or if it's not maternity I prefer no zippers or buttons.
Sleep: I've more energy boosts this week, but I'm still pretty tired. This weekend I went to the zoo, the Quarry, and the Riverwalk so I'm worn out beyond belief.
Food cravings: No serious cravings. I did walk into Costco and smell pumpkin and walked about with a pumpkin pie big enough to feed 20 people. But oh man, it was so good (noooo, I didn't eat it all, just a big piece).
Other Symptoms: I don't like to get too full. If I do it makes me so sick feeling. Like eating half a bag of cotton candy after a couple of hours of the zoo was a bad, bad choice. And then my sense of smell is crazy. I smell way too much....bad breath, poopy diapers, it all kills me. Oh, and Tyler's work clothes, can't stand the smell. He has to change as soon as he gets home. Hah, pregnancy is kicking my backside this time around :)
What I miss: Energy.
What I am looking forward to: Tuesday I get to see my baby for the first time!! It's a mixed feeling of excitement and worry, so I can't wait to get it over with...
Milestones: Nothing too new this week!
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